In court, I was in tears as the judge asked me whether I agreed to the terms. I did. I had chosen not to fight.
I chose to walk away from the embryos and everything I was asking for in my divorce, just so I could move on. I didn’t want to fight because I knew no matter how long it went on, and no matter how much of my soul I bared, my soon-to-ex-husband would NEVER get it.
Forced to give up what’s most likely my last chance to be a mother wrecked me, but fighting was not an option. Although I had prepared myself for it, seeing the words “TO BE DISCARDED” on the handwritten paper I signed left me numb. I walked back into the courtroom on automatic and for the most part, didn’t hear the judge’s questions but somehow knew when to answer Yes and No.
“No, I wasn’t coerced and I’m not intoxicated (Wait, was that an option?),” and yes to some other questions I barely heard.
The tears weren’t for the end of my marriage; it was for the devastation it had CREATED.
My soul, or whichever part of me is writing this, is jumping between two identities. There is a 16-century gangster version of me seeing scorched earth at my hands. Then there’s another version of me trying to hold it together with the words “This too shall pass.”
I’m not liking this second calming version of me at all. I think that she’s the stupid bitch who got me in this mess with her understanding and her empathy. I want to end her so bad but I’m thinking she might come in handy, so I’m holding off. Plus, there are no drugs in the apartment. Not even fucking liquor.
Worse pity party ever!
Instead of being around people, as was the plan, I left the courthouse in a taxi and heard myself give my home address.
I want pain. Really, I want to see my lying bitch-faced ex-husband in pain but here I am torturing only myself.
Sia’s Elastic Heart which I’ve been into for the past couple weeks is offering some type of solace. Every word is registering and I begin to use it as an escape.
I’m using the lyrics to paint a world for me to rest in tonight.
Here are the lyrics (courtesy of Metro Lyrics) with emphasis on the words and phrases that are resonating the most.
And another one bites the dust
Oh why can I not CONQUER ♥
And I might have thought that we were ONE
Wanted to fight this war WITHOUT WEAPONS
And I wanted it,
I wanted it bad
But there were so many RED FLAGS
Now another one bites the dust
Yeah let’s be clear, I’ll TRUST no one
Well I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart
But YOUR BLADE it might be too sharp
I’m like a rubber band until you PULL 2HARD
And I may snap and I move fast
But you won’t see me FALL A P A R T
‘Cos I’ve got an e-l-a-s-t-i-c HEART
I’ve got an elastic heart
AND I WILL STAY UP THROUGH THE NIGHT…
Let’s be clear, WON’T CLOSE MY EYES
And I know that I
can will survive
I’ll walk through fire to SAVE MY LIFE
And I want it, I WANT MY LIFE SO BAD
I’m doing everything I can
Then another one bites the dust
It’s hard to lose a chosen one
You did not BREAK me. I’m still fighting for peace
I’ve got thick skin and an elastic heart
but your blade it might be too sharp.
I’m like a rubber band until you pull too hard
I may snap and I move fast
But you won’t see me fall apart
‘Cos I’ve got an elastic HEART.
And thank you God…
I feel you fighting for ME.
I played this song on a loop throughout the night with alternating thoughts of my husband’s death and mine. I wanted him wiped off the face of the earth and I myself didn’t want to live.
When Sia sang “I walked through fire to save my life” I had apocalyptic images where all of metro New York was no more because a God who felt my pain had avenged me.
I wished I was the type of person to off myself but the next best thing was feeling the pain alone.
So I did that.